Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
