I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
