You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
