Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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