i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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