you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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