so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The adults are the big ones right?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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