If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Terrible idea I love it
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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