there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
