you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
