I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
