Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I need to sanitize my soul.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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