Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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