She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
