I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
