last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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