I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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