so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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