i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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