Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
