Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
