And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
