I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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