Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
