I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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