I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
God gave him joint rollers for hands
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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