Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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