once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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