Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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