I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
