Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
