we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
