So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Shame - the story of my life.
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