I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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