I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
