If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
