Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
