fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
