I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
