Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
