I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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