So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
