My sheets look like a crime scene.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
