there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
