i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
40s are totally the cure
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize