I should be sponsored by Trojan
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
