In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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