I need help removing her.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She told me I should be a condom model.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
