he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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