how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
