we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
