you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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