the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
