I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
