your parents love me but you hate me
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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