so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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