i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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