I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
