My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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