My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
