Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
