I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I didn't notice because vodka
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
