Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
