So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
