I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
