I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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